I had an abbreviated day at work today. Abbreviated even for me. It may take me a few days to get back into a groove again coming off of a week of vacation and rest. I purposely did nothing on my vacation to recharge my batteries and to give myself a little bit of a respite.
Today, going back to work I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and overstimulated. At times I can hate this mental disorder I have. Schizoaffective disorder is not an easy thing to deal with. I look back on all the stuff I used to manage in college at Pace and graduate school at Hopkins, and I realize how things have changed with me.
Multitasking is out the window…. done. I don’t even try doing it anymore. Now, I pick one thing or project to do and focus on getting that done. This may end up being the roughest semester for me yet. I still do not know how I will manage all the work that I am going to have to do. One day at a time, indeed.
At times, I hate what this disorder has done to me. It has turned me into someone with no energy or ambition at times. I’m not sure if that is due to the depressive side of schizoaffective disorder or not. I used to have so much energy, and the ability to accomplish many things at once… I suppose being able to do all those things was the by-product of mania – which I recognize now by hindsight.
That’s an era that has ended. There is no more manic Tony, looking to do anything and everything all at once. Mania may sound nice, but its side effects can lead to a greater susceptibility of drinking and also hearing and seeing things, and other symptoms. I’ll avoid that at all costs, thank you very much.
While schizoaffective disorder is said to not be a progressive disease, it certainly feels like it to me. I seem to be able to cope and handle less and less as time goes on. One thing is certain, I will prevail here. I won’t drink. I’ll take my medication. I’ll move forward the best that I can.