The problem is with me…

The problem is me.

I went to an event at the local bowling center, organized by a local mental health and wellness organization. Only 3 people bowled (myself included), so the turnout wasn’t great (at 5 people total). I had a decent time. I probably would go again.

But, I am not sure I fit in too well today. I have nothing against people who might be unemployed/disabled because of their mental illness. I’ve been homeless. I have been unemployed and unemployable. It took time and effort to get where I am today. But the crowd that I was hanging out with today probably could not relate to my current circumstances and situation. However, I do plan an attending another event that they organize. This keeps it real for me… to be in touch with individuals who have a mental illness that are undergoing a different struggle then what I am currently dealing with. A struggle that I have, hopefully, conquered.

So, some conclusions. The problem is me. I don’t mix in well with any so called ‘group’. I’m a ‘high functioning’ schizoaffective, recovering alcoholic, with possible autism elements. I don’t mix in socially with the regular crowd in society. I never have. I seemingly do not mix in well with the local Alcoholics Anonymous crowd either… at least no where compared to the time when I was involved with A.A. in Frederick, MD. I am also, seemingly, out of the mix concerning my little bowling party today. What I thought might be a good social outlet for me, may not be that at all.

So where do I go from here? What do I have to offer anyone? Am I even alone in my social struggles? Probably not. But, I have a history here with social problems and being isolated. I have about 10 years of experience being a socially isolated heavy drinker. The drinking was just a symptom covering up an underlying problem… me.

So, I am going to try something else… asking people out for coffee. I’m going to come up with at least three people close to home that I could probably meet up with.

I’m not going to claim that I am normal. I never was. I will probably never be able to make that claim. Schizoaffective disorder and alcoholism has ruled my life. Hopefully, God willing, it’s a mental illness that I can conquer and defeat with help.

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