Getting back on track

So, as promised, I did text a couple of friends about having coffee. Despite my anxiety about doing it, it’s done.

Today was a good day. I met with two advisors for a yearly update/wrap-up. I am so grateful to Stony Brook University for taking me in, despite having schizoaffective disorder. I think there was a lot of doubt in the beginning that I would be able to succeed. But slowly, I am making progress at Stony Brook with my research and on the requirements needed for me to get my second Ph.D.

It is tough dealing with two different mental illnesses, although for me it really is three, the third being an anxiety disorder. Mind you, the only way I can distinguish between the three is based on the symptoms I experience… but it can get quite overwhelming. From having episodes of depression or mania to seeing things or hearing things… to being anxious over the smallest thing. Sometimes I feel like a mouse housed with a snake, just waiting for the inevitable to happen (that being some form of mental illness to demonstrate itself in me).

I am grateful for being sober today, that the compulsion of drinking alcohol has been removed from me. I can’t say it gets easier each day… schizoaffective disorder tends to make things complicated. But I am glad I can deal with problems and situations today without having to resort to drinking to deal with it.

Lately, I have wanted things to revolve around my schedule. Having said that, I just wish there was an afternoon/lunchtime A.A. meeting on the weekends out here. It seems that with my sleep schedule, I am in bed or at work when all the other ones are taking place.

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