Wreaking Havoc

It’s something I try to avoid today. Wreaking Havoc. Schizoaffective disorder and alcoholism did so much damage to me, my friends, and my family when the disorder was at it’s utmost potency. It wasn’t just me seeing things and hearing things. I became utterly paranoid and delusional. I was filled with constant anxiety thinking only the worst would happen.

I can, to this day, be afflicted by all the above. Fortunately, I am now aware of my medical disability and I try not to let it run my life or have it overtake me so much that it causes negative consequences. I said it before, and it is worth saying it again… for me, not drinking alcohol is the key to my sanity, well-being, and future success against this mental illness.

I try to take things in stride today. When I was in my heightened schizoaffective state, I would lash out, sometimes at anything and anyone. While I was certifiably crazy, everyone else was wrong and I was the one in the right.

Today, I make every attempt to be productive. It is not easy. Some days I just do not want to do anything or even continue (with say, school). But I know that I need to move forward. I have to. Moving forward helps keep me sober and the activity probably helps me to maintain my sanity. Some days I wish I were on disability… it is not easy combating the damaging mental effects of this illness every single day. Every single day, I get my self ready to head out into the world, to face it head on. This is in stark contrast to my previous behavior of ignoring things, procrastinating, and avoiding the inevitable. Not to say I execute my head on charge into society perfectly… because I can still put things off, but I try to minimize the amount of any avoidance behavior.

Here is to today, and an even better tomorrow. By not drinking and moving forward I am at least guaranteed a good day because falling backwards into the drink would ultimately, and surely, create a bad one.

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