Yesterday, I talk about admitting defeat with regards to my alcoholism and my mental illness. I essentially made the admission to myself that I had both of those ailments. Once I was able to do that, I could start working on righting the wrongs I may have done to others and to myself.
The next step was that I needed to believe that some power greater than myself could help me in this recovery process. Essentially a greater power, God, a deity, or some force beyond me that I couldn’t describe. It wasn’t up to me alone, but a partnership in believing in something else, that could help me in the recovery process and restore me to sanity.
Now, I always believed in God, so that did not necessarily change with my admission of defeat. But, since the time that I have recognized my alcoholism and schizoaffective disorder, I have developed (hopefully) a better understanding of who and what God is for me. During my absolute crazy phase, I thought I was him! I was going to cure cancer and set out my own plans, and the world would be better off for it! HaHa!
Fortunately, I got better. Mental sanity returned over time. The entire process of me going insane was necessary for me to be who I am today. Someone who knows and can experience peace and quiet. Someone who is generally happy. Someone who can look forward to a productive and fruitful life. Today, I know it is not a one man show. I need God’s help to do some heavy lifting, and remove obstacles for me when I can’t.
I still have some ways to go. I have a real anxiety problem… one that I am constantly working on that effects all aspects of my life. Today, fortunately, I am aware of my anxiety. I talk about it with my doctor, friends and family. It no longer controls me as much as it may have in the past. And for that, I am forever thankful in a power greater then myself for helping to lift the burden of anxiety, alcoholism, and the disease of schizoaffective disorder.