I am Spock. Yes, the Spock from Star Trek.
The constant mental struggle that I go through everyday, parallels with what this fictional character who was half Human and half Vulcan apparently had to deal with mentally. He was always fighting an internal battle to maintain balance.
I am constantly, daily, seemingly every waking second, maintaining my mental health from the effects of having schizophrenia, bipolar and anxiety disorders.
It is a tiresome, but a worthwhile, endeavor. I could be drinking alcohol to cope, but I am not. I go on everyday with the struggle of having a real and severe mental illness. The medications that I am on helps, but only so much… plus, there are the side-effects.
I recently read something about another person with the same mental illness that I have, being criticized about ‘spending 99% of your time maintaining yourself’. I feel I fall into this category.
Better to maintain, then to lose one’s sanity. But the struggle to maintain sanity comes at a price. I am infrequently social and an introvert. Being around other people, with the mental work it can require, tires me out. I sleep an obscene amount and a keep a modest work day.
Unfortunately, I know no one personally who has this condition; someone else who knows what it is like living with this disorder. The few friends that I do have, I do not think are fully aware what it is like to have schizoaffective disorder (amongst other disorders) roaring through my head.
I push forward and maintain hope. However, I worry about finishing graduate school. I worry about future employment. I do not know what the statistics are, but individuals with my condition(s) are highly likely to be living on disability. I want to be productive in society. But, boy, it is an understatement to try and describe the mental tricks and hoops I jump through on a daily basis to keep my sanity. It feels like my mind is walking through never ending mud, and as the hours of the day wear on, my mental energy level drops. So much so, that it is difficult to continue during the day… even with menial tasks.
All I do know is this: I can not drink alcohol. That would be admitting defeat. I need to keep pushing forward. Baby steps… even if it is baby steps everyday. I have made it this far, and I plan to move along the road to happy destiny farther and farther everyday.