A draining disorder

Despite having schizoaffective disorder, I want to accomplish something with my life.

Despite having schizoaffective disorder, I want to make a difference in other people’s lives.

Despite having schizoaffective disorder, I want to continue on living.

I have a mental illness that wants me dead, non-productive, and debilitated. It is a mental illness where reality can be distorted, one’s mental energy is always low, there can be profound social isolation, and emotional responses are flat or weak – if they even exist at all.

I struggle with the above everyday. And I try to make an effort to put my best foot forward as best as I can everyday. I get out of bed in the morning, I go to work. While those may seem like relatively simple tasks, they can be compounded in difficulty immensely because of this mental illness.

I don’t drink alcohol so that I can deal with this mental disorder better… and not feed it’s destructive tendencies.

I need help everyday. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not talking to someone about what I am going through, or have been through. I can not keep things bottled up, for that can be a poison for me… causing great internal harm and distress.

I can never have enough help. I have help from my family, I receive help from a non-profit organization that prescribes my medication and gives me the opportunity to talk to someone regularly about my mental illness.

I do need more of a support system. More people I can talk to through text or, preferably, face to face. I need more engagement and more social interaction, especially when I am home. I need more people to understand what this mental illness is about, and what it’s ongoing effects are on me.

I fight everyday to move forward, to better myself. And it’s a fight I will keep moving on with a desire to win.

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