One thing at a time. Doing stuff in small pieces and chunks. One day at a time.
Mentally, I am not what I used to be. In some cases I might be better off, in other cases, maybe not so.
I know I am mentally sick today. I did not know that fact before I was diagnosed – and resigned myself to the diagnosis. I was mentally sick (unknown to me) all the way through high school/college and my first run through graduate school.
So, knowing what I know now, things should be easier for me to handle. And, in some ways, they are. I know how to handle my mental illness so that it doesn’t overwhelm me anymore by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. Or any alcohol for that matter.
Still, there are effects that I can not control and that can get tiresome. I can be rather sluggish, tire easily and even lethargic because of the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. I can be (and am) socially withdrawn and my emotions tend to be flat. Then there’s the bipolar disorder I have as well. Keeping everything ‘normalized’ is a tiring mental effort.
Knowing that I can’t drink, in many ways I have won this internal mental battle. Drinking would be a step backwards, and I want to move forwards… to the best of my ability everyday.
It’s a constant battle dealing with schizoaffective disorder. Fortunately, it seems that I am winning that battle… each and every day that I don’t drink or somehow give into the disease.
This past summer, I thought my graduate school career was going to end because of this research qualifier that I have to write. How would I be able to create an original research topic and then defend it in front of faculty? I thought doing so would be beyond my scope.
Here I am in the beginning of November with a topic decided upon, and I am getting ready to defend it and write it up into a 6 page proposal. It will be synthesis based, but with a pharmacological application towards Alzheimer’s disease.
I would have never thought I would be able to reach this point, but here I am. And the only way I am accomplishing this, is by taking things one day at a time… baby steps moving forward. By doing this, it appears I can accomplish what I put my mind towards.
I’m in a crappy mood. My Dad is not doing well, and I’m feeling it.
I’m hoping he continues to eat and do the exercises he is supposed to do so that he can get out of rehab and back to his routine at home.
Cancer sucks. The chemotherapy he used to be on knocked everything out of him, and probably aged him ten years in the process.
I pray that he has the strength and determination to recover from this and to be able to go back home at some point in the near future.
Today, I have 7 years of sobriety. Seven years ago, I decided I had had enough.
I had enough with the headaches, dehydration, nausea, panic and all the other good things that came with drinking.
Here I am, seven years later, recovering from schizoaffective disorder… back in school, and my life moving forward.
Onward and upward!