I’m having a gratitude attack.
I’m so grateful for having a place to stay, food, and a job. Also, some level of sanity.
I used to be without the above for a long period of time
Despite having schizoaffective disorder, I want to accomplish something with my life.
Despite having schizoaffective disorder, I want to make a difference in other people’s lives.
Despite having schizoaffective disorder, I want to continue on living.
I have a mental illness that wants me dead, non-productive, and debilitated. It is a mental illness where reality can be distorted, one’s mental energy is always low, there can be profound social isolation, and emotional responses are flat or weak – if they even exist at all.
I struggle with the above everyday. And I try to make an effort to put my best foot forward as best as I can everyday. I get out of bed in the morning, I go to work. While those may seem like relatively simple tasks, they can be compounded in difficulty immensely because of this mental illness.
I don’t drink alcohol so that I can deal with this mental disorder better… and not feed it’s destructive tendencies.
I need help everyday. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not talking to someone about what I am going through, or have been through. I can not keep things bottled up, for that can be a poison for me… causing great internal harm and distress.
I can never have enough help. I have help from my family, I receive help from a non-profit organization that prescribes my medication and gives me the opportunity to talk to someone regularly about my mental illness.
I do need more of a support system. More people I can talk to through text or, preferably, face to face. I need more engagement and more social interaction, especially when I am home. I need more people to understand what this mental illness is about, and what it’s ongoing effects are on me.
I fight everyday to move forward, to better myself. And it’s a fight I will keep moving on with a desire to win.
One thing at a time. Doing stuff in small pieces and chunks. One day at a time.
Mentally, I am not what I used to be. In some cases I might be better off, in other cases, maybe not so.
I know I am mentally sick today. I did not know that fact before I was diagnosed – and resigned myself to the diagnosis. I was mentally sick (unknown to me) all the way through high school/college and my first run through graduate school.
So, knowing what I know now, things should be easier for me to handle. And, in some ways, they are. I know how to handle my mental illness so that it doesn’t overwhelm me anymore by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. Or any alcohol for that matter.
Still, there are effects that I can not control and that can get tiresome. I can be rather sluggish, tire easily and even lethargic because of the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. I can be (and am) socially withdrawn and my emotions tend to be flat. Then there’s the bipolar disorder I have as well. Keeping everything ‘normalized’ is a tiring mental effort.
Knowing that I can’t drink, in many ways I have won this internal mental battle. Drinking would be a step backwards, and I want to move forwards… to the best of my ability everyday.